Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
