She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
