Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
