Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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