I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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