Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i drank out of a bidet.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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