before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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