then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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