Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
