I think I just saw someone hide a body.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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