Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Randomize
