And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
