I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
