saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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