ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
