Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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