I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
