I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
