I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
