final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
