I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
