Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
