last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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