I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
