do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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