I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
