Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
bring money and cleavage
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
