rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
