I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
