i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
