hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
