My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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