you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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