If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
