I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
