haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
