I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
