Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
