That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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