I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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