If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
