She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
