im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
