apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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