my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
