you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
