I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
