Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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