based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
