So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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