I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
operation have a gay friend backfired
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he fucked my hip out of place.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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